It's monday. Leah and I are sitting in front of school and smoking cigarettes. I must have to last smokes before the first class - biology. Who even cares about that? Veins, genetics, rabbits and nervous systems. I have never been quite great student but with my current grades I will get to college. And of course with my family's collage savings for me. It's spring of senior year of high school.

"I feel so damn like having some pot" Leah says and stares at her cigarette that is just the normal stuff. "My mom almost busted me yesterday with a joint in my mouth. I thought she was already sleeping so I just relaxed in my room until I hear footsteps nearby. Just before mom entered I hid the joint and she suspected me for a while but I just made up a lie that I just burned some candles and she believed it!"

I laugh a bit to Leah's story and tell her that I also would like some, umm, stronger stuff. Luckily I am not the only pothead in my family because if I was I would be so dead when my mon would smell the smoke. But because she sometimes smokes it too I haven't yet been caught. 

"Allison!" Shane greets and comes towards me and Leah. I get up and kiss my boyfriend. This year has been perfect for me because in fall I fell in love with Shane. He's my everything and I could never imagine a life without our relationship. Also, Shane is my first real boyfriend.

We talk a while with Shane about our weekend - I hear he was at a party of he peroxide-cheerleader queen of our school - and continue smoking our cigarettes. Soon after Shane along comes Kyle. He and Leah are my best friends. He is also Shane's best friend. Since elementary school we've been inseperable with Kyle and we share everything. I hug him and chat about some schoolwork until the school bell rings. It's time for biology class.

After we've had lunch Shane takes me to talk with him just to two of us. The school hallways are full of people so we don't have much privacy. I can't help noticing that the pink-wearing cheerleaders aka School Queens keep stearing at us. But Shane has something important to say.

"Listen Allison..." he mumbles confusing with his words. I get a little scared. What does he have to say? "Umm, I mean... I couldn't tell you this in the morning, so here it goes. You know I was at Melanie's party last weekend and there, umm... Vodka made me do it so... I slept with Melanie. I hope you're OK with this?"

'I hope you're OK with this' What the hell? I'm so shocked I can't even say anything for a sec but when Shane tries to hug me I push him away and run to the toilet. Cheerleaders keep staring at me and it makes me feel so uncomfortable.

I'm so angry. How dare he do this to me! I have always been faithful to hom so why is he doing this? I don't want to see him ever again.

"It's over! Fuck you Shane" I yell at him and slam the door behind me. Leah has followed me since she saw me almost crying in the hallway.

When the door is closed and Leah is with me I let the tears come. No relationship ever is worth this shit. First, everything is beautiful and awesome but then it hits with the truth: break ups, ugly reality and gloomy life. In my case I even have to deal with my boyfriend's outrageous cheating.

"And with Melanie?" I curse and wipe the mascara off my chin. "Like, anyone bu Melanie! We don't have anything in common so all this time has Shane dreamt about some peroxide bimbo who loves pink and whose daddy owns a mansion? Damn I feel like teach that slut some things about sabotaging other people's relationships."

"That chick is fucking rude" Leah agrees. "I would have never thought that Shane would touch that thing. Inside of that hoe have been like more guys than in John Greens psychology classes."

Speaking of the devil, just when we are getting started with talking shit about Melanie she enters girls' toilet. She stares at us a while arrogantly and starts fixing her makeup.

"I'm so sorry for you and Shane" she says but I can see through her fake pity. "Maybe if you would've given him some he would have stayed with you. You know the guys - always getting what they want."

I really want to slap Melanie in the face but thanks to Leah's denying look at her face I decide to stay quiet. I glare at Melanie while she leaves us in the toilet and when the door is closed again I can't help but screaming: "That fucking hoe."

I return home when it's already dark outside. I come always home at this time. It's about seven o'clock and soon our family will be eating dinner together. I throw my school bag to the floor and close the door. I just want to have a nice relaxing bath.

I enter bathroom and notice that mom and Ruby are already in the bath tub. Anyways, mom tells me I fit there with them so I start taking off my clothes.

"Allison - what is that?" mom mubles and points at my newest tattoo that's located above my breasts. "But we agreed that you could only get a tattoo in your leg. Then you went and got more in your back and it still was quite OK but that is just too much! Unacceptable! We agreed that you wouldn't get tattoos in provocative places, do you remember? When did you get that?"

"Mom!" I whine with a little louder voice and take off rest of the clothes. "Last week I went to that new tattoo shop with Leah. And does this whole tattoo-thing even matter? It's my body so I take care of it the way I want to!"

Äidin jatkaessa mutinoita siveellisistä paikoista ottaa tatuointeja, käyn pikaisesti suihkussa ja menen huoneeseeni. Vaihdan vaatteet hieman rennompiin ja pistän pyyhkeen päähäni kuivattamaan hiukset. Kaivan sitten yöpöytäni laatikosta päiväkirjani ja alan rustata tekstiä sen sivuille.

"Mun on ihan pakko nyt purkautua. Mikä ihme kaikkia tässä maassa vaivaa? Tänään oli ihan kauhea päivä. Ensin kaikki näytti hyvältä, mutta sit Shane tunnusti mulle kuksineensa Melanieta viikonloppuna kännissä! Melanieta! Kaikista maailman lutkista just sitä! Ja se huora kehtas vielä tulla mua neuvomaan, kuinka mun olis pitäny levittää haarani aikaisemmin Shanelle. Hyvä vaan, ettei me vielä menty niin pitkälle. Mä oon varmasti koko koulun viimeinen neitsyt. Jopa Leah on päässy jo panemaan. Mä elän varmaan koko elämäni loppuun neitsyenä. No, toivottavasti tää mun ja Shanen ero ei vaikuta mun ja Kylen väleihin. Se on mun paras ystävä, enkä haluu menettää sitä jonkun typerän Shane-mulkun takia."

Alakerrassa äitini Giselle väsäsi iltapalaksi lihavoileipiä. Kesken leipien voitelun hänen kännykkänsä alkaa soida.

"Giselle Butler, iltaa", hän tervehtii, jokseenkin hieman ärsyyntyneenä keskeytyksestä. "Christopher?"

Äiti pelästyksissään vilkaisee nopeasti, että lapset eivät ole kuuloetäisyydellä, ja jatkaa sitten puhelua.

"Et sinä voi tänne milloin tahansa soitella! Tajuatko sinä, että tämä meidän pikku juttumme on pysyttävä salassa lapsilta? Heidän päänsä menisivät ihan sekaisin jos isä alkaisikin ramppailemaan joka ilta vanhassa kodissaan!"

Kun iltapalat on syöty ja kodin väki - äitiä lukuunottamatta - on mennyt nukkumaan, minua alkaa janottaa. Vastahakoisesti pakotan itseni ylös lämpimästä sängystäni ja menen alakerrassa sijaitsevaa keittiötämme kohti vesilasin toivossa. Hiivin hiljaa, etteivät muut heräisi yölliseen tömistelyyni.

Unenpöpperöisenä en huomaa portaiden alapäässä kahta hahmoa - äitiä ja isää! Peräännyn järkyttyneenä tajutessani heidän suutelevan intohimoisesti eteisessä. Miksei kukaan kertonut isän tulleen takaisin?

"Christopher, mennään nyt, jotta pääset lähtemäänkin ennen kuin lapset heräävät...", äiti ehdottaa suudelmien välistä. Silloin asia valkenee minulle. Lähden kevyesti kipittämään portaita takaisin huoneeseeni ja vasta siellä uskallan hengittää taas. Onko äidilläni salasuhde isäämme? He ovat eronneet jo pari vuotta sitten, miksi he tekevät näin? En saa ajatusta päästäni, kun yritän taas saada unta. Kurkku nyt vieläkin kuivempana.